A Detour in Life

So, the last two and half years have been very difficult for me. I have suffered with depression since high school, and unfortunately, it has only gotten worse over the years. The intersting thing is that, for the most part, things have gone great in my life! Depression is just something I deal with because we live in a broken world! I grew up in a wonderful family with one sibling. I married my high school sweetheart at 20 years old after finishing college. My husband and I have lived in multiple states - incluidng a beautfiul island in Florida. We have three children, a beautiful home and plenty of extras beyond our needs! Three years ago, two of my kids went to college.....normal, but hard! I spent a year trying to figure out who I am. What do I like to do? What is my role in the church my husband pastors? What do I do now that I am not needed as much on a daily basis? I felt like the church had "grown up" without me while I was raising the kids, and now I didn't feel like I had a place as the pastor's wife. I finally made it through that year and was excited to be starting a parenting ministry at the church and working on a few possible books that had been rolling through my brain for years. Then, in a matter of two months, "everything" started to cave in. -We went through a church split in our denomination which took a toll on all of us. It was stressful, hurtful and took up a lot of our time and energy. We lost church members, many of whom we thought were our friends. -Our oldest son totalled his car, and we had to purchase a newer one. -Our only daughter, who had been saying she was gay since 13, started turning against us and wouldn't come home for vacations and holidays. -Our oldest son was accused of sexual harassment for, literally, hugging a girl for too long! We had to hire a lawyer to defend him. -Our youngest son, who was 17 and a junior in high school, started having a very difficult time at school, socially, and was not enjoying baseball. He went from "Mr. Mayor" to a fly on the wall. -And to top it all off, we got a call that we needed to pick up our former foster children who were "not okay". We rushed to meet a deputy at the trailer park they were living in and picked them up immediately. They have been with us ever since. All of this made me question my faith for the first time in my life! I had never doubted what I believed and never understood when people said they did, although I knew it was normal. To say I have struggled with these things is an understatement. The last year and a half has been HARD! I have wrestled with God on all of these issues. My biggest complaint, as if I have the right to an opinion on this at all, has been that I don't deserve all of this. I have been faithful to God all my life. I have loved Him and loved His people, and that is excactly what got me into this mess. Why would God allow such pain to take hold of me? I felt like I should have been loving life! I had two kids in college and one more almost there. I was supposed to be an empty nester in just a few months, but that can't happen now because I was faithful. We sold out empty-nester home which we had only bought three years before and made enough money off of it (due to the crazy market) that we could afford to send our 17-year-old to a private school to finish high school. It also allowed us to pay for a private school for our 7 year old who could not read in second grade. We hired a lawyer for our oldest son and his Title IX investigation for hugging a girl for too long, and we hired another lawyer so we could adopt the two boys we had once fostered. We decided to rent a house for a few years since our needs would change once our kids graduated from college. I quit my job as a teacher to stay home for a year with the little boys who were seven and nine years old. They needed too much attention and had too many appointments with therapists and doctors for me to have a job that required so much attention. I spent an entire year questioning God, wrestling with Him and complaining about all my problems. I really wanted him to handle this a different way. We really didn't feel like adopting the boys was in the our own best interest, but we knew it was in theirs! We had been in their lives since they were 18 months and three years old. We had a unique relationship with them and an opportunity to help them in a way that no one else could. Even in the midst of the frustration, we decided that we needed to adopt them, but it has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm still a little miffed about not being an empty nester, but God is working on my heart. After Christmas this past year, I could tell God had restored my faith. i am no longer questioning who He is. It feels so good to be confident in that! I have made it through an aweful bought of depression. I am still highley medicated, but I am feeling more normal and feelilng hopeful about our situation. Our daughter has decided she is a man and has received testosterone from the college clinic - which she is able to get on our insurance! We are still devastated about the decisions she is making, but I know that God will see her to the other side of this! I believe she (and hopefully I) will be in ministry to help others like her! I would like to write a book just on this experience! Our son was proven innocent and has enjoyed a normal school year as a college junior. He has been successful in his sport this year and has been able to forget about the frustration of the last year! Our high school senior is thriving in his private school and looking at colleges now. He is hoping to play baseball in college. Our youngest, who is now eight, is reading very well and is learning in a great environment in his private school. He and his brother have grown so much over the past year and a half. They are different children. I will have other posts about their accomplishments and milestones. We hae pretty much depleted our accounts, but we have almost finished this very difficult school year. I am hoping to start another full time job in the next month or two, and we will be able to start paying for all these college expenses and enjoying some fun things again! God is still good. We are not promised an easy life. God does not say things will be easy for us when we follow him. Over the past year, I have been reminded of many people in the Bible who faced difficult circumstances when they were called by God, but He ALWAYS sees them through it, and He will see us through this, too! All the time, God is good!

Old Stuff

We went garage sale-ing today and found some great treasures!  Corri bought clothes at each one.  Hunter got a runner’s Fanny pack.  This picture is them discovering the “computer from the 1970’s”!

Corri found this and said, “Look.  It’s what rich people use when they don’t want to get up and people bring them things.”  


It was a fun morning!  We also found a cool intersection with our names!!

Fun day!

18 months and counting

I am sitting in the emergency room at the moment! Believe it or not, it has taken 21 years for me to bring in my own child for stitches! H ran into a "random" pole at Urban Air and got a superficial cut on his forehead that bled A LOT! They just glued it back together. He cried when they told him he didn't need stitches. When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was happy! It was the saddest happy I've ever seen...but it makes sense. Lately, I understand how it feels to only need a little something to cue the waterworks! I am watching him as he sits on the hospital bed, and it makes me want to cry. He is so precious. God has done so much work in his life, heart and mind in the past 18 months. It is nothing short of a miracle. I am so proud of how hard he has worked and continues to work on making better choices. Lately, we have been working on trust and telling the truth! Both boys tell fibs very often and about anything - who left the milk out, who threw the wrapper on the floor, who didn't flush the toilet, who keeps putting their nasty toilet paper in the trash can rather than the toilet, etc. The biggest problem is when one is telling the truth and one isn't but there is no way for me to know who is telling the truth! It makes them furious when I don't believe them, but I keep saying, "Until you stop lying all the time, I can't believe you." I can tell H is starting to get it. Yesterday, I accused him of lying to me about something because the evidence led to him doing it. BUT, the following morning I discovered new evidence that proved he was telling the truth! The fact that he did not yell and pitch a fit about it is a miracle, but when I realized I was wrong, I told him I was wrong and asked his forgiveness! He forgave me, and we are still on track for truth and trust in the near future! A year and a half ago, that same conversation would have ended with a screaming kid giving me the most evil look you can even imagine. That kid doesn't even take up residence with us anymore! I am constantly amazed at what God has done! He is good...all the time...even when we are frustrated and don't understand! He seees the whole picture and uses us to accomplish the end result! Somedays I want him to use someone else, but I am honored to have been used by him in the boys' lives!

Be Careful What You Pray For

Original post was on my first blog: SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 2007

God made me the way I am, but sometimes I just don't like it. My gift of gab really bothers me. Recently I have been asking God to help me be quieter. I even started a post (still a draft) last week about wanting to go to Bible Study without everyone knowing what I am thinking or just being able to be quiet around other people. I have prayed for years that God would give me a quieter spirit, but I have reluctantly come to realize that He made me this way for a reason. And while it may bother some people, He likes me this way.

I think He gets a big kick out of my everyday musings and behavior! I often think of Him saying, "Oh, Jacqueline! You are so dramatic..."Anyhow, His most recent kick is that He finally gave in to my desire to be quiet. For the past week, I have only been able to whisper. Ray C. has enjoyed it far too much. For the first 2 days, he laughed every time I spoke, and all I could do was GLARE at him. When I get mad, I just have to give up and walk away because raising my voice just isn't an option!

God, your sense of humor never ceases to amaze me. I am here for your pleasure! I love you, and I am glad you enjoy me however I am. Thank you for the kids quieter voices this week. It seems that whispering is contagious. Other than the terrible twos, the house has been much quieter! I am trying to learn from this lesson. I hope my voice will return soon, but I want to remember:

1. When I am quiet, so are the kids.
2. You can solve a problem better with a whisper than with a yell.
3. People are much more attentive when you speak less and softer!

So, for those of you who may be bothered with the theology that God made me sick to learn a lesson: I do believe He answers in such ways, but I also realize that I've been around a lot of germs, and getting sick is the result. So, I choose to believe that God uses the things of this world to teach us greater lessons. I like to find a lesson in everything I do. Honestly, whether or not God meant it to be a lesson, I can still learn from it! I actually don't think He MAKES us sick. As my friend Brandi says, "He just doesn't bend the rules!" (He could if He wanted to, but He chose not to in my case.) If you are around germs, you get sick. He created our immune system, and it is working exactly how He created it. He could keep me from being sick, but then I wouldn't have learned this quiet lesson! Any thoughts? (Pastors not allowed to respond to theology questions!! Sorry, honey!) :)

Why Kids are Stressed and Depressed...

As adults, we deal with many things that can cause us stress - relationships with family and friends, a busy schedule, the desire to be healthy, lack of money (no matter how much we have), bosses and coworkers, etc.  Some say, "I wish I could go back to being younger when things were easier", but most people would agree that there were problems even when they were younger.  

We didn't like the curfews our parents gave us, we felt pressured by friends to do things we didn't want to do or knew we would get in trouble doing, we didn't have the freedom to do whatever we wanted, we didn't have money, many of us were super busy with after school activities on top of homework and studying.  

So, why is it that we think today's teenagers don't have anything to stress about?  Just because those things seem easier to us as adults doesn't make them any easier for the teens today.  Add, on top of that the stress of the entire Covid "experience" and a brutal political environment!  Our kids are very stressed and rightly so!  

As a high school teacher, I have witnessed the toll the last few years have taken on our teenagers!  It is absolutely heartbreaking, and I believe it is the reason so many of our best teachers are calling it quits!  The best teachers know that we aren't at school ONLY for teaching our subject!  These kids are at SCHOOL more than anywhere else.  We hold a huge responsibility for their mental well-being as well! We are often with them more than any other one person.  So, it is natural that we would be the ones to notice when things are off!

"That's ridiculous!  My kid has nothing to be stressed about!  Wait until they have to pay bills!"  

I have heard this from a parent after calling to alert her that her child was having severe panic attacks regularly and that I was concerned for her!  So, in case you are one of those skeptical people, let me remind you what our kids have been dealing with the last few years.

(Disclaimer: I am going to talk about the political climate from my perspective as a teacher.  However, I am not interested in any way in debating politics!  It has been a tough road to teach US History in the climate we have had!)

I was teaching US History during the 2016 election when one of the big discussions was immigrants and DACA.  There was a lot of talk about Trump getting rid of illegal immigrants. The morning after he was officially elected, I had 8th grade students TERRIFIED that they or their families were going to be sent back to their home countries - even though many of them were legal citizens!  Why?  They don't understand everything they hear! 

The week of the 2020 election, my high school students were SCARED that if Biden won, their parents were going to lose their jobs!  I live in an oil community where most people are employed in the oil industry with top-paying jobs!  These kids were really scared that their families were going to lose everything! 

Any child that was born 2005 or after might remember any of these major events:

Black Lives Matter - riots and increased concern for how minorities are treated

2016 Presidential Election

2020 Presidential Election - 

Impeachment

Devastating 7.0 earthquake in Haiti

Hurricanes - Harvey, Sandy

Floods

Boston Marathon Bombing

Mass Shootings at Sandy Hook, Marjory Stoneman Douglas, a church in South Carolina, a movie theatre in Colorado, a country music festival in Las Vegas, a rap concert in Houston, an elementary school in Uvalde, TX, a church in California

Advances in LGBTQ+ rights which give kids who are already trying to figure out their identities more choices than anyone has ever before imagined.

the #metoo movement

Russia invades Ukraine with 24/7 live footage on social media of tanks rolling into town and soldiers in battle

Covid-19: a new disease killing thousands of people, so bad we have to shut down the entire country; everyone knows someone who has died from it - kids are scared!  What if they lose their parents or siblings?

As if these events weren't enough, our kids are not mature enough to really understand everything they are hearing!  They are often trying to process the bits of information they are hearing without any adult guidance because we don't even know they heard it - from a friend, the news channel we were watching when they came down to ask us a question, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, a friend at school, etc.!  

I remember my own children being afraid of a hurricane that was going to hit Houston.  We stayed in our closet all night long while the storm passed.  The next morning, my youngest child who was about 3 or 4 at the time, said "when is the hurricane coming"?  

I replied, "It already passed.  That's what all the rain and thunder and lightning was last night while we were in the closet."  He continued to be confused.  Finally he said, "But I didn't see it."  Now, I was confused.  Eventually he said, "Did the red thing come here?"  

What red thing was he talking about?  The red icon for a hurricane on the news!!! Of all the things we actually had to be afraid of, the one that scared him was that actual red thing coming to our house!  As silly as it sounds, it was very scary for him!!

Our kids don't have to pay bills and take care of a family yet, but they are stressed!  They are experiencing anxiety like never before! They are scared.  They literally think the world is coming to an end - between the wars, political battles, school shootings and Covid!  

Many of them have lost their motivation and are falling far behind in school.  Teachers are overwhelmed with the weight of caring for the students' mental health on top of their regular education which has been severly disrupted by Covid and cell phones! 

We have to figure this out quickly!  We have to give these kids a sense of security and worth.  We have to help them rediscover intinsic motivation, and we have to protect them against the constant barage of hurtful comments and peer pressure they are hearing and feeling from their unlimited access to social media.

The Birds and the Bees

You should be the first person to tell your kids about all the big things, specifically sex and sexuality!  It takes the mystery out of it!  If you tell them first, it doesn't seem like such a cool thing when their friends tell them about a "dirty thing they heard about"!

You need to teach them how to understand their bodies the way God made them!  You need to tell them what they can expect in the next few years - how they might feel about the opposite sex or how they might not be interested in dating until they are older, and that's okay too!  

You need to open up a line of communication with your kids so they can easily come to you with questions or comments.  Don't sugar-coat it either.  When they hear it from a friend (much earlier than you would ever guess) it isn't going to be sugar coated! Friends will give them all the juicy details!

Don't be afraid that you are
going to put something in their mind that they weren't aware of.  That's the point!  Why would you want to wait until another child tells them and almost definitely gives inaccurate information?  You have to be the authority on it.  You also have to take the stigma out of it!  It cannot be an embarrassing topic to discuss.

I will never claim to be an expert on this, but I have enjoyed the way our family has handled these conversations!  I made conversations over the top so that my kids thought I was crazy but weren't embarrassed about the topic.  For example, every time one of my kids came home with the information we were supposed to talk about for their sex-ed talks, I called a family meeting!  

I got everyone in one room and said, "it's time to have a family meeting, and we're going to talk about sex!"  If they rolled their eyes or acted embarrassed, I just said, "What?  It's not embarrassing.  It's just about how our bodies work!  It's fun to talk about!  Come on!"  So, we would go through whatever questions were suggested, and then I would always say. what questions do you have?  Are you confused about anything?"  

They almost always have questions.  It's just about making sure the environment is safe enough for them to ask and be answered.  No matter what they ask, you have to answer without making them feel dirty or embarrassed.  My kids have asked some doozies!  Once, my youngest son, who was 10 at the time, said, "I have a question!  What is the difference between a condom and a dildo?"  

OMG!!  I'm not going to lie!  I couldn't believe he knew what either of those were, but after my moment of shock, we all died laughing!  My preteens couldn't believe he had just asked that either!  But, he knew it was a safe place to ask.  So, before I could answer, my oldest child - 13 - answered!  What?  Why did he know the answer?  I have no idea!  But, guess what?  He wasn't embarrassed to say it in front of me either!

We have had some crazy conversations at our house...so much so that I get a little nervous when we have big family gatherings because my kids have not quite figured out that everyone is not as comfortable talking about such things! But, I would rather an adult be upset because they said something "a little inappropriate" at the dinner table than for my kids to not feel like they could say it!

Another part of this is asking them questions.  Start asking them early if they have heard any of their friends talk about drugs, sex, whatever.  If yes, ask them what they have heard.  If they are timid, say, I just want to be sure you are hearing the truth!  If not, yay!  You get to be the first one.  Chances are that when they do hear someone talk about it, they will come home and tell you!  Then ask more questions.  How did that make you feel?  Were you surprised?  Did your other friends already know what it was?  Were you glad we had already talked about it?

When things come up in the media about things, you can talk about them.  If you hear something is going around on social media, ask your kids if they have seen it and what they think about it.  The more questions you ask, the more the kids will talk because they see that you are trying to learn about them?

One more thing....the only way this works is if you tell your kids the truth!  That means, when they ask you about something, you tell them - in whatever amount of detail is appropriate for that age, but you tell the truth.  For me, that meant that I also had to tell them the truth when they asked if Santa and the Tooth Fairy were real!  

The truth can be difficult, but it is best if it comes with love and from someone who cares about you!  Open up the line of communication with your children so they know they can tell you anything and ask you anything.

One thing my daughter said all the time was, "My friends keep saying they want to come over and sit down and talk to you because you talk to me about things that are important.  They have all kinds of questions, but they don't want to ask their parents!"

I absolutely offered for them to come over anytime!  We never had a big girl pow wow, but Mary Frances continued to share information with them, ask me how I felt about things and then talk to them some more!  

Be the parent that the kids want to talk to because they know you will tell them the truth!

Body Image Idol

My husband preached about idolatry today - like how we have idols and don't even realize that's what they are.  I think we can all agree that having a shrine in your home to a different god is idolatry that goes against our beliefs as Christians.  But, are we spending more time and money on one thing than we are on God?  

I have been listening to the podcast, "Compared to Who?" by Heather Creekmore this week.  She speaks a lot about body image idolatry and how so many of us deal with it.  She lays it out fair and simple.  If you are spending more time and money on looking good, getting thin, or fitting in than you are spending with God, then body image has become an idol!  

Y'all, I say I love Jesus and believe it with all of my being, but my mind is consumed with looking better and losing weight.  I've always said it was my "thorn in the side", but maybe it's not!  It sounds more like an idol!  I spend so much money on trying to look better - nails, hair salon, tanning, massage, trainer, workout
clothes (an issue all on its own), regular clothes, shoes, gym, weight loss programs, makeup, skincare products, and much more!  When I add it all up, it can easily be half of what I give to God every month - and I tithe!!  When you lay it all out like that, it doesn't sound so good!  

So, God says do not have any other gods before me, but I have definitely been spending more time, energy and money on my body image than I have on God.  But this has been a problem for me my WHOLE life!  I have always "struggled" with weight (5-10 lbs mostly, but much more now).  I am just supposed to decide to be fat and happy?  I don't think so, but I have begun praying daily that God would not allow me to make my looks an idol anymore.   I've decided to cut back my spending on unnecessary items and spend more of my time with God.  

I am still exercising and eating healthy, but I am praying that he will not allow me to base my joy on the number on my scale but help me ignore the scale more often!  I am planning to enjoy his creation while exercising.  I'm praying for people as I run outside.   I'm listening to uplifting music, podcasts or sermons on the run.  

God is the only thing in the world worth worshipping.  There is nothing else that I could make into an idol that can give me the joy and purpose that he provides!  

Jesus Did

I have this quote hanging in my classroom.  Before that, it was hanging on my closet mirror.  I love it because I already believed this before I found the quote.  It describes how I live my crazy, busy life!  Don't hear me say that I'm doing it all right.  I definitely struggle and get it wrong a lot!  I believe margin is important, and that has been something I have had to work on regularly!  Actually, that is why I read!  It makes me sit down and be still.

But, I love the quote because it speaks directly against the desires and pressures of our culture!  God didn't put us here to live quiet, comfortable lives and to stick to ourselves and our family.  He put us here to live in a community, which can be messy.  He wants us to build relationships with people.  I mean, Jesus did!  He wants us to fellowship with people - especially people who need Him!!  Jesus did!  He wants us to pray (not worry) without ceasing!  Jesus did!  We may have to face people who think we're crazy!  Jesus did!  We probably won't have to give our actual lives for Him, but Jesus did!

If we are to be like Jesus, this makes sense!  He had friends and family that he enjoyed being around, but it is clear that his whole purpose in life was to live for God and tell other people about Him - by eating with them, visiting in people's homes, visiting the sick, crying with people who were mourning loss, praying with the sick, etc.  Y'all, he prayed so hard that he sweat BLOOD!  (Don't believe that's possible?  Google it!)  So, if Jesus can do all of that, I don't think it is too much to ask me to love people and fellowship with them - at work, at church, at home, and even for fun!  

Our culture is all about making ourselves look younger, thinner, and healthier.  We want to have fun all the time - even in our jobs!  We want bigger and better things no matter what we have!  While all of those things can be done in a healthy way, most of the time, we take it to the extreme!  What good will it do God for us to die at an old age looking great and having had a fun life but not having spent time loving His people?    

I have been consumed with fear.  

I have been consumed with being thin.  

I have been consumed with looking better.  

I have been consumed with myself.  

God calls us to be consumed with loving Him and His people!  

We can have fun doing that, too! If you love working out, bring someone along with you.  Invite them to a class or to go for a run with you.  Maybe you can make it a regular thing where you can begin to pour into someone else's life!  

At your job, instead of eating alone, find someone else that eats alone and get to know them. Identify someone who could use a friend and ask for their opinion on a project or expertise...just to strike up a conversation.  Your goal doesn't have to be to pray with them.  Your goal can just be to love them like Jesus and provide opportunities for them to ask questions and to see Jesus in you!

Are you a homebody?  Invite a new person from church over to coffee.  Or invite a new family in the neighborhood over for dinner.  

Do the things you already do!  Live your life, but be intentional about loving God's people while you do it!  Invite them to do things you are already doing!!  We can do it!  

Our reward?  A glow that everyone can see far better than wrinkles and extra weight!  A glow that people might not be able to put their finger on.  A glow that only surrounds those who are sold out for Jesus and willing to exhaust themselves for Jesus!

Restoring Margin

 

Restoring Margin

I recently did a Bible Study this summer in which we studied the book "Margin" by Richard Swenson. So, I have been contemplating how I can restore margin to my crazy life without moving out to the country and forgetting about modern-day conveniences. I thought I'd share what I've come up with.

1. We tried disconnecting our television stations, but it was more expensive to do that than to keep them! Go figure!! So, we just haven't been turning it on. The kids are watching less and playing more. I have been reading EVERY night and loving it. As a result, I am going to bed earlier and enjoying peace in the evenings!

2. I am saying "no" to opportunities that do not line up with what God has called me to do. I do not have to go to every birthday party I am invited to, do every Bible Study offered, or participate in every night out suggested. I do what I can handle. This is still a process for me, but it is great. Of course, saying no is also difficult, and as school starts back there will be much more to consider, but I'm on the journey!

3. I'm going to cancel my gym membership and exercise outside. I find it difficult to make myself go to the gym. I don't love working out. So, I figure if I'm going to have to make myself do it, I might as well spend less money and save myself the trip back and forth to the gym!

4. We've opened up a separate checking account so that I can do a better job keeping up with what I am spending on the items that I am responsible for. It is so easy to put things on the credit card and not consider how much I actually have to purchase things! I am really excited about this one!

5. I'm not going to answer the phone between seven and nine at night. That is the most hectic part of my day, and answering the phone only makes it worse. It will also help me to show my children that they are important enough to make someone else wait while I spend quality time with them!

6. I am trying to leave 15 minutes early than I usually do so that I can be 5-10 minutes early instead of 5-10 minutes late to everything! I'm actually doing pretty good on this most of the time!

7. I am putting my work (weddings or housework) down more often to read books to my children when they ask and to play games with them almost every day. Since I have started doing this, I don't feel guilty on the days when I have to work and have less time to spend with them.

I am nervous about the fall because the activities are going to challenge my margin, but I am also looking forward to what God will do in my life as I protect the time that I have with him and for him and with my family! God made me with limitations. So, I am going to try to live within them even though everything in my MEGA-TASKING personality says not to!!

If you'd like to learn more, I STRONGLY suggest the book Margin and the study that goes with it called "Restoring Margin to Overloaded Lives."