Big brother has been staying with mom the past two weekends, and it has been great! We enjoyed some quieter times with just the little one, and big brother loved being with his mommy and daddy.
Both nights he returned home were a little emotional. He would lay his head in his hands and weep saying, "I miss the other mommy and daddy." But, he almost seemed shameful about it because he was so happy to be back home with us too! It has been difficult to see his little heart torn between two families whom he loves very much. However, each time I have told him how great it is that he misses the other mommy and daddy because that is who he should be with! I have reassured him that we all love him so much but that the other mommy and daddy loved him first and that they have worked so hard this year to get better so he could come home. He shakes his head in agreement and feels a little better.
He also kept telling me that he wanted us all to see each other...."I want Thomas, Mary Frances, Chase, the last daddy, and you to come to my new house." and "I want the other mommy and daddy to come to this house." and "I want you to keep seeing the other mommy and daddy." It is obvious that his main concern is that he may go back and never see us again.
So, yesterday was the big day! I had already sent most of his belongings home over the past two weekends because he has accumulated A LOT since arriving in our home 336 days ago! We've been talking about it here and there for two weeks. The bigs kids gradually said their goodbyes since they would not see him before they left early for school. We took Shamrock sugar cookies to school so he could celebrate with all of his friends, who were so sweet to him! His teachers gave him big hugs and told them to come and visit. I washed his bedding that he got at Christmas to take home with him and packed up the last of his clothes. Our CPS worker (who is AMAZING) arrived at 2:00 to pick up both boys for their regular visit. Only little brother would be returning later. My mom came over to say goodbye (and to be moral support for me). We gave big kisses and said "I'll see you on Wednesday!" (He has a psychiatrist appointment tfor diagnosis and possible medication for treatment, and the ad litem asked me to attend). He said goodbye, and they were off! I told my mom I couldn't watch as they left. That would just make me too sad!
My husband is overseas for two weeks - not the best timing for a child to leave! My mom stayed with me for a while to be sure I was okay, but I never got upset! I told her I was fine and would probably have a good cry later, but I never did! I wondered if something was wrong with me. A child I have loved for almost a year has just left my home for good! How could I not be upset? Then, I reminded myself that there was just no reason to be upset. We opened our home to him so he would have a safe place to stay and be loved while his parents were recovering. He blossomed while he was here. He has done great in school. He sleeps peacefully through the night now and wakes in the morning with a joyful heart! He has been prayed for my too many people to count. His parents love him and can now provide him with a safe place to stay. They have healed in many different ways and are prepared to be better parents. AND...we get to continue a relatipnship with him! What about that is sad?
I'm sure I will have my moments, but this is definitely not what I expected! I'm still waiting for the floodgates to open, but I am not as convinced that they will. This is good. This is really good! We have all accomplished a major feat for the benefit of everyone involved! That is something to shed joyful tears over! Go and do big things Big Brother! We are all behind you!
Showing posts with label Big Brother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Brother. Show all posts
Saturday, March 03, 2018
Friday, February 09, 2018
Weekend Visits
It worked! Big brother starts weekend visits with his mom in one week! I am so excited for him. He wants to be home with his mommy and daddy very badly! He loves our family very much, but even after almost a year, he still identifies "the other mommy and daddy" as the real deal, as he should.
My body literally shook for two days as I waited to hear what happened in court when the discharge papers were announced. The ad litem said he would begin transitioning, and everyone finally agreed!
I felt like we were playing Russian roulette with this little life, but we had to push this along! The courts have just taken too long! If the parents had not moved their case into "drug court" they would already have the kids back because they had already fulfilled the requirements for CPS.
Anyway, it is over now! It worked, and he is going home within a month! Hallelujah! He needs to be home and I desperately need a break!
Little brother will begin weekend visits two weeks after Big Brother returns! It's going to be an interesting ride, but we are ready!
My body literally shook for two days as I waited to hear what happened in court when the discharge papers were announced. The ad litem said he would begin transitioning, and everyone finally agreed!
I felt like we were playing Russian roulette with this little life, but we had to push this along! The courts have just taken too long! If the parents had not moved their case into "drug court" they would already have the kids back because they had already fulfilled the requirements for CPS.
Anyway, it is over now! It worked, and he is going home within a month! Hallelujah! He needs to be home and I desperately need a break!
Little brother will begin weekend visits two weeks after Big Brother returns! It's going to be an interesting ride, but we are ready!
Thursday, February 08, 2018
Discharge Papers
I am so torn this morning. This past month has been very difficult. I am having a very hard time with the four year old's behavior, and I don't know if he is really getting worse or I am just fed up with it. He is only four, but it seems like the whole family is walking around on egg shells trying to avoid a confrontation with him. He gets mad if someone tries to play with him at a time he doesn't want to play, if a different person gives him juice than the one he asked, if we take away a toy because he hit someone or threw it after we told him not to. He's very testy and it is difficult to tell how he will respond sometimes.
I feel like he needs us because we have given him a stable, loving environment for ten and a half months now. He feels safe. He is a perfect student at school, but he starts his screaming and fussing in the parking lot outside of the school. I just don't know how much more I can take. It is so sad to admit, but I look forward to him going to school, going to visits, or going to bed every day. Like...I count the time between each. I feel like I just get little breaks while he is in those places from the craziness.
He has such a sweet heart, and I know he wants to please us, but I feel like I am being beat up every day. Our agency says it is time to turn in discharge papers on him. They are setting a 30 day time for him to find another home. I am distraught and relieved at the same time. My own children are going through so much right now and need more of my attention. I am busting my butt to give everyone what they need, and I am spent.
The thing is that the boys should have been back with their mom months ago! They told me at the beginning of August, when her case was moved from just CPS court to Drug Court (FIC Court), that the boys would be going home in 30-60 days. It is almost the middle of February now! A few weeks ago, I was told that they finally approved weekend visits and now they are pulling back on that!
The people in charge of this case (and there are a lot of them) are just being too unreasonable. I realize I don't know everything, but I know a lot because of my relationship with the parents. She has worked it out to stay with her mother and grandad in a home that is big enough for the family. It is not a permanent situation because she doesn't want to stay there, but it works for the time being. As she said, she is "legally married to the biological father of the children who wants to help" and yet the court is requiring her to move back into "a more controlled enviornment" at the rehab facility so they can watch her with the kids better. The first problem with that is the dad is not allowed on that property! She won't have access to a car or qulaity childcare there, either. She would have to ride public transportation with an overactive four year old, a two year old, and an eight month old! Where is the sense in that?
I do not want our boy to go to another home! I want him to go HOME to his mommy and daddy, but the court is just dragging it out for some reason. She has been clean for 10 months, has completed recovery and is ready to be reintroduced to life with her boys. Dad has been clean for 8 months and has almost finished his services. What is the deal?
So, now I am stuck in a very difficult place. If the courts do not let this child go back home in the next month, CPS will move him to another home. It will not be good for him, but it is not good for the other 6 people in our house for him to be here! How do you reconcile this? My heart is a mess this morning. On top of all these feelings, I have to call the mom this morning and tell her what is happening before she hears it in court this afternoon! How do I tell her I am giving up her child? How can I give up a child? What kind of person does that make me?
I feel like he needs us because we have given him a stable, loving environment for ten and a half months now. He feels safe. He is a perfect student at school, but he starts his screaming and fussing in the parking lot outside of the school. I just don't know how much more I can take. It is so sad to admit, but I look forward to him going to school, going to visits, or going to bed every day. Like...I count the time between each. I feel like I just get little breaks while he is in those places from the craziness.
He has such a sweet heart, and I know he wants to please us, but I feel like I am being beat up every day. Our agency says it is time to turn in discharge papers on him. They are setting a 30 day time for him to find another home. I am distraught and relieved at the same time. My own children are going through so much right now and need more of my attention. I am busting my butt to give everyone what they need, and I am spent.
The thing is that the boys should have been back with their mom months ago! They told me at the beginning of August, when her case was moved from just CPS court to Drug Court (FIC Court), that the boys would be going home in 30-60 days. It is almost the middle of February now! A few weeks ago, I was told that they finally approved weekend visits and now they are pulling back on that!
The people in charge of this case (and there are a lot of them) are just being too unreasonable. I realize I don't know everything, but I know a lot because of my relationship with the parents. She has worked it out to stay with her mother and grandad in a home that is big enough for the family. It is not a permanent situation because she doesn't want to stay there, but it works for the time being. As she said, she is "legally married to the biological father of the children who wants to help" and yet the court is requiring her to move back into "a more controlled enviornment" at the rehab facility so they can watch her with the kids better. The first problem with that is the dad is not allowed on that property! She won't have access to a car or qulaity childcare there, either. She would have to ride public transportation with an overactive four year old, a two year old, and an eight month old! Where is the sense in that?
I do not want our boy to go to another home! I want him to go HOME to his mommy and daddy, but the court is just dragging it out for some reason. She has been clean for 10 months, has completed recovery and is ready to be reintroduced to life with her boys. Dad has been clean for 8 months and has almost finished his services. What is the deal?
So, now I am stuck in a very difficult place. If the courts do not let this child go back home in the next month, CPS will move him to another home. It will not be good for him, but it is not good for the other 6 people in our house for him to be here! How do you reconcile this? My heart is a mess this morning. On top of all these feelings, I have to call the mom this morning and tell her what is happening before she hears it in court this afternoon! How do I tell her I am giving up her child? How can I give up a child? What kind of person does that make me?
Thursday, December 28, 2017
9 Months and Counting
We have now had the boys for nine months! I am quite surprised they have been here so long, but I have learned that no one has any idea how long these things take. I have been told they were going home within the next 30 days since August! While I love them and want them to go back to the best situation possible, I must also admit that I am tired and anxious for some "me" time. This jump back into the preschool years has been pretty overwhelming, but I would not trade this time for anything.
The boys are both sleeping through the night with only an occasional night terror (like once a month or so). Little bit is sleeping in a "big boy" bed, and the baby bed has been put away. I can control them much better when we go outside to get in the car now, as well. I can trust that big brother will actually walk to the car and get in rather than running away - most of the time! They are also aware of the need to be careful around the road and in parking lots. I mean, they still need to be watched like a hawk because they will still run, but it is a major improvement from 9 months ago.
They are still throwing everything, and big brother still refuses to eat most things. We use timeout and a behavior chart to control tantrums the best we can, and those really have helped, but meltdowns are still a daily event in our house!
Right now, I am feeling that my biggest accomplishment is the relationship I have built with mom and dad! I have become like a mentor - especially to mom. We are able to discuss all kinds of things about what it will be like when she gets all of the kids back. She already has the baby whom we had for only 6 weeks but ADORED!! She uses me as a sounding board when making decisions about the baby. I love that I can be that for her. I tell her that is exactly what my mom does for me. Even though she has her mom, their relationship is not the type that really supports that type of trust. She asked me to be the emergency contact at the daycare because I am "the only person she trusts"! That was the point at which I gave her my phone number - 8 months in!
After much prayer, advice and discussion, we invited mom and dad to our home for Christmas evening and then to my parents for dinner. My agency was very upset with me for doing it, but we just had to weigh everything for ourselves and decided it was the best decision for us all. We are 100% aware that addicts often relapse, but with them being 6 months and 9 months clean, we feel they are in a place where we can help by showing them love and support. We had a wonderful evening and wish we could have had more time.
I am looking forward to how we can continue to be one of the their support systems as they continue to recover! It is so heartbreakiing to me to see how big of hole they have dug and have to climb out of with very little encouragement from family! I desperately want them to have their children back and believe they are great parents who got involved in some bad stuff! My prayer is that God does miraculous things in their lives and uses them to make a difference for others!
The boys are both sleeping through the night with only an occasional night terror (like once a month or so). Little bit is sleeping in a "big boy" bed, and the baby bed has been put away. I can control them much better when we go outside to get in the car now, as well. I can trust that big brother will actually walk to the car and get in rather than running away - most of the time! They are also aware of the need to be careful around the road and in parking lots. I mean, they still need to be watched like a hawk because they will still run, but it is a major improvement from 9 months ago.
They are still throwing everything, and big brother still refuses to eat most things. We use timeout and a behavior chart to control tantrums the best we can, and those really have helped, but meltdowns are still a daily event in our house!
Right now, I am feeling that my biggest accomplishment is the relationship I have built with mom and dad! I have become like a mentor - especially to mom. We are able to discuss all kinds of things about what it will be like when she gets all of the kids back. She already has the baby whom we had for only 6 weeks but ADORED!! She uses me as a sounding board when making decisions about the baby. I love that I can be that for her. I tell her that is exactly what my mom does for me. Even though she has her mom, their relationship is not the type that really supports that type of trust. She asked me to be the emergency contact at the daycare because I am "the only person she trusts"! That was the point at which I gave her my phone number - 8 months in!
After much prayer, advice and discussion, we invited mom and dad to our home for Christmas evening and then to my parents for dinner. My agency was very upset with me for doing it, but we just had to weigh everything for ourselves and decided it was the best decision for us all. We are 100% aware that addicts often relapse, but with them being 6 months and 9 months clean, we feel they are in a place where we can help by showing them love and support. We had a wonderful evening and wish we could have had more time.
I am looking forward to how we can continue to be one of the their support systems as they continue to recover! It is so heartbreakiing to me to see how big of hole they have dug and have to climb out of with very little encouragement from family! I desperately want them to have their children back and believe they are great parents who got involved in some bad stuff! My prayer is that God does miraculous things in their lives and uses them to make a difference for others!
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Quiet Reflections
It's the first morning since the boys arrived that I have gotten up before them! It is so amazingly quiet. I have just spent time with God and am drinking my coffee. This is the way I LOVE to start my day! I go back to work tomorrow, and I am really looking forward to it. I thrive on routine, and there has been no such thing the last 6 weeks. We are working on it, but we just aren't there yet!
The boys' attorney came to visit a few days ago. It was the first time I have met yet. He stayed for almost 2 hours, and we had a wonderful conversation about the boys. He was so impressed with their improvement since the last time he had seen them. He couldn't believe how well they were doing. He said Little Bit wouldn't even look him in the eye before, and he had been concerned that Big Brother needed to be tested because he didn't seem to know what was going on around him. I was actually shocked at that. I immediately told him that Big Brother is extremely smart, but I have discovered that he was just not exposed to the world around him. For instance, he loves dinosaurs but didn't know there were different kinds. He is loving learning about the different ones and their names. When I took him on the cereal aisle, he didn't recognize any of them - not even Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops. I told the attorney that I think most of what he had learned was from television, but that he is learning very quickly now. In fact, I told the older kids that they could teach him anything because he is like a sponge and learning everything! (By the way, I trust the kids to teach him appropriate things. That wasn't an invitation to really teach ANYTHING!) :)
Both boys slept through the night last night! That could be because they went to bed later. Maybe I need to reconsider bed TIME!? Big Brother is still sleeping in our room on his own bed. I don't plan to move him until after my trip to Europe next month. I think it will be better for things to stay the same for now.
Little Bit is a "parrot". He repeats everything we say. I can't count how many new words he learns everyday! My biggest problem with him right now is hitting - me, in particular! He slaps us in the face constantly. I was having a hard time figuring out how to change the behavior, but I think I've figured it out. I tell him "no" very sternly every time, and then I put him down. He loves to be held, and he understands that it is a big deal if I will not hold him as a result of the behavior! I have also been teaching him how to touch "nicely". So, he has been rubbing our faces MORE than hitting. He is getting it, but it is a slow process!
Side Bar: My 11 year old just came down with a card for me! I forgot it was Mother's Day!!
The boys' attorney came to visit a few days ago. It was the first time I have met yet. He stayed for almost 2 hours, and we had a wonderful conversation about the boys. He was so impressed with their improvement since the last time he had seen them. He couldn't believe how well they were doing. He said Little Bit wouldn't even look him in the eye before, and he had been concerned that Big Brother needed to be tested because he didn't seem to know what was going on around him. I was actually shocked at that. I immediately told him that Big Brother is extremely smart, but I have discovered that he was just not exposed to the world around him. For instance, he loves dinosaurs but didn't know there were different kinds. He is loving learning about the different ones and their names. When I took him on the cereal aisle, he didn't recognize any of them - not even Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops. I told the attorney that I think most of what he had learned was from television, but that he is learning very quickly now. In fact, I told the older kids that they could teach him anything because he is like a sponge and learning everything! (By the way, I trust the kids to teach him appropriate things. That wasn't an invitation to really teach ANYTHING!) :)
Both boys slept through the night last night! That could be because they went to bed later. Maybe I need to reconsider bed TIME!? Big Brother is still sleeping in our room on his own bed. I don't plan to move him until after my trip to Europe next month. I think it will be better for things to stay the same for now.
Little Bit is a "parrot". He repeats everything we say. I can't count how many new words he learns everyday! My biggest problem with him right now is hitting - me, in particular! He slaps us in the face constantly. I was having a hard time figuring out how to change the behavior, but I think I've figured it out. I tell him "no" very sternly every time, and then I put him down. He loves to be held, and he understands that it is a big deal if I will not hold him as a result of the behavior! I have also been teaching him how to touch "nicely". So, he has been rubbing our faces MORE than hitting. He is getting it, but it is a slow process!
Side Bar: My 11 year old just came down with a card for me! I forgot it was Mother's Day!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Adjusting to a New Home and Family of Seven
The boys have been here for two and half weeks now. They are part of our family, and we love introducing them to all of our friends and family. My parents are in love with them. My granddad thinks they are precious, and my sister can't wait to see them in person. They have called us mommy and daddy since the first day. The baby even loves naming everyone in the pictures - including my parents and granddad!
It has definitely been a roller coaster, but we are doing what God has called us to. So, we just remind ourselves of that when it gets difficult. Baby C is super snuggly and talkative. He definitely talks more than most kids his age. He has made a pretty smooth transition. He is very easy to put to bed. When I say "It's time to go night night.", he says "night night" and lays his head on my shoulder. He's usually asleep in 2-3 minutes, and I can lay him down in the bed with no issues! He wakes up many nights, but I just hold him for a few minutes, and he goes right back to sleep!
Big Brother has had a more difficult transition. He appears to have never had a bedtime routine before. He goes until he literally falls asleep. He prefers to sleep on the couch or floor, but I tell him each night that little boys should sleep in beds. He's started to get that the last few nights. However, the first week was ROUGH at bedtime! We tried to get him to bed for 2-3 hours every night. Some of those nights, we were holding him the majority of that time while he was fighting us, but we just gently whispered to him that it was time to go to bed as we bounced him around. By the end of the first week, I was able to rock him for 5-10 minutes without much push back. He still won't let me sing to him, and it's driving me nuts!! He doesn't want anyone to lay down with him, but he will let me sit in the rocking chair and watch him go to sleep. That is after I have rocked him for 5-10 minutes. I think he likes that now. He is definitely enjoying the attention!
The older kids are in love with both of the boys who really have a thing for Thomas! The older kids get up early in the morning so they can get dressed in time to play with the kids! Then, they play with them when they come home! That is so nice for me, but the little ones really look forward to seeing them at the end of the day!
We are currently struggling with the decision about whether or not to take baby sister who is due in 6 weeks. I'm just not sure I can handle it, but I want to make the best decision for everyone - not just me! It's hard to know how to pray, too! I really do believe that reconciliation is the best choice IF mom and dad can get their lives straight and provide a good home. However, I love these babies, and a good home just isn't good enough for my babies! I want a great home for them! A home where they are adored, trained to be great people, and taught to love God and love others - to be people who make a difference in the world! So, I am praying for God's will because no matter how much I think I know, God knows best and he loves the boys more than I do.
The adventure continues.
It has definitely been a roller coaster, but we are doing what God has called us to. So, we just remind ourselves of that when it gets difficult. Baby C is super snuggly and talkative. He definitely talks more than most kids his age. He has made a pretty smooth transition. He is very easy to put to bed. When I say "It's time to go night night.", he says "night night" and lays his head on my shoulder. He's usually asleep in 2-3 minutes, and I can lay him down in the bed with no issues! He wakes up many nights, but I just hold him for a few minutes, and he goes right back to sleep!
Big Brother has had a more difficult transition. He appears to have never had a bedtime routine before. He goes until he literally falls asleep. He prefers to sleep on the couch or floor, but I tell him each night that little boys should sleep in beds. He's started to get that the last few nights. However, the first week was ROUGH at bedtime! We tried to get him to bed for 2-3 hours every night. Some of those nights, we were holding him the majority of that time while he was fighting us, but we just gently whispered to him that it was time to go to bed as we bounced him around. By the end of the first week, I was able to rock him for 5-10 minutes without much push back. He still won't let me sing to him, and it's driving me nuts!! He doesn't want anyone to lay down with him, but he will let me sit in the rocking chair and watch him go to sleep. That is after I have rocked him for 5-10 minutes. I think he likes that now. He is definitely enjoying the attention!
The older kids are in love with both of the boys who really have a thing for Thomas! The older kids get up early in the morning so they can get dressed in time to play with the kids! Then, they play with them when they come home! That is so nice for me, but the little ones really look forward to seeing them at the end of the day!
We are currently struggling with the decision about whether or not to take baby sister who is due in 6 weeks. I'm just not sure I can handle it, but I want to make the best decision for everyone - not just me! It's hard to know how to pray, too! I really do believe that reconciliation is the best choice IF mom and dad can get their lives straight and provide a good home. However, I love these babies, and a good home just isn't good enough for my babies! I want a great home for them! A home where they are adored, trained to be great people, and taught to love God and love others - to be people who make a difference in the world! So, I am praying for God's will because no matter how much I think I know, God knows best and he loves the boys more than I do.
The adventure continues.
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